*Not Car Related Post* Who else has this problem?

"mazda616" (mazda616) 12/12/2016 at 08:58 • Filed to: Feeling like a jerk

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Long Story Short: My wife and I are expecting a baby boy, our first child. He’s arriving in February. Yesterday, my mother-in-law and my wife’s so-called best friend had a baby shower for my wife.

The “friend” has always been selfish and lazy, but this reached new heights. The shower was yesterday, and she didn’t send invitations until Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. Some of the invitations were going to people who live 2 hours away.

She didn’t help with decorations, buying food, games, etc. My mother-in-law did it all. Yesterday, the actual day of the party, said friend shows up and actually helps, but that didn’t make up for all the stress she caused my wife and mother-in-law by not doing a damn thing up until then.

So, I mention to friend that my grandmother didn’t get her invitation until Friday, for a party that was on Sunday. Friend said everyone else got theirs. I said “Maybe send them a little earlier next time.” She says “Plan your own party next time.” Then I say “Won’t have you plan another one, that’s for damn sure.”

I’m a major introvert and a very quiet person, normally. If something upsets me, you’ll never hear me say anything about it. If something upsets my wife, however, then I get angry. It may seem like a small thing, but my wife was really excited about this baby shower and getting to see all of her old friends and such and just celebrate our son’s impending arrival. And it was made needlessly complicated and stressful by this so-called friend.

Friend had no excuses for not doing anything other than she has a baby, whom she leaves with her aunt most of the time.

But now, I feel like a huge jerk and I’ve felt guilty for being mean. Makes zero sense, I know. But, that is the enigma that is me. Sigh.

jimz > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:01

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nah, she’s an “organizer,” and not a very good one. I would have said the same thing.

Nibby > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:01

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Have the friend stay with you guys for a few days. Lock her up and make her do some work around the house. That will surely teach her a lesson.

Then replace her car with a 1993 Corolla.

mazda616 > Nibby 12/12/2016 at 09:03

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She got kicked out of her aunt’s house a few years ago and had to live with us rent free for six months. We were newlyweds at the time, too. Recently lived with us for a couple months, again, when she broke up with her cheating boyfriend. That time, her and her baby had to live with us. She’s back with said boyfriend now and I’ve already said the next time their relationship hits the rocks, she’s not living with us again.

Party-vi > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:04

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fuck all that shit.

OPPOsaurus WRX > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:05

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Yea she fucked up, maybe you wait until after the party to give her shit but what ever, she kinda earned it.

also good luck, get a good supply of coffee. my son is 1 week old today.

Nibby > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:06

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you can only help those who are willing to help themselves

mazda616 > Nibby 12/12/2016 at 09:07

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Funnily enough, when she lived with us, she drove a 1993 Corolla...

cbell04 > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:09

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Screw her. A real friend would have been excited and all over the details. Side story at our baby shower I was dropping off my wife and saw someone trying to cross the street to get to the party so I the gentlemenran over to help and introduced myself as the soon to be father when the woman replied I’m the baby’s grandmother! omg I didn’t even recognize her. Her father remarried and I’d only met her a hand full of times over the years. Egg on my face.. I hurried out of there:)

Nibby > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:10

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o_o wow how did I do that?

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:11

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You were 100% in the right. The “friend” probably did it out if jealousy. She sounds a lot like my sister, the kind of person that screws up, and then expects other people to fix it, and not just fix it but also make her feel good about it.

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/12/2016 at 09:12

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Find the blend you like and adjust intake as needed sleep doesn’t really go back to normal.

Source: 2 year old and 2 month old, I don’t want to admit what my coffee intake is up to.

Tripper > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:12

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You said what you were thinking, gotta own it. Think of how pissed you were before you said it. When you’re not mean person by default, sure it feels bad for a quick sec when you are.

I can still remember a few times where I was terribly mean to someone and I mean terribly. When I first recall those events I feel bad, then a few seconds later I think about what prompted such an extreme reaction from me. Then I think “fuck that person” and continue on the road of life.

PatBateman > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/12/2016 at 09:14

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Your son is a week old? You remember sleep? Sleep was cool. Man, I want to sleep right now just talking about it.

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:14

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As long as no one calls her on this behavior she will never change.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:16

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Yeah been there, gone off on girlfriends friends for treating her badly. My friends are generally good to me and we help each other out, so seeing her get the opposite from her “friends” did not sit well with me. Taking the piss out of each other in a friendly way is one thing, but we still know we can rely on each other.

PatBateman > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:18

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She earned the right to get told, and you earned the right to tell her.

You’re good.

random001 > Nibby 12/12/2016 at 09:18

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I seriously read that as “replace her with a 1993 Corolla.”

random001 > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:19

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You’re good, man. She deserved it. Probably more at this point.

Also, Congrats!!!

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:19

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Sometimes often.

More often though, it’s more like “I was in such a hurry to say my bit that I didn’t realize I couldn’t have picked a worse way to say it.”

Whether that be double entendre, or coming off cold and unfeeling, or whatever.

Thankfully it’s easier to control in print, so it doesn’t get on Oppo much, but it can and has happened.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Phyrxes once again has a wagon! 12/12/2016 at 09:22

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(2) 4 y/o’s.... it eventually gets better, my sleep would just end earlier and abruptly with the demand for pancakes

OPPOsaurus WRX > PatBateman 12/12/2016 at 09:26

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yes, i’m hurting at the moment. today was the first day i tried to get back to my regular work schedule.

punkgoose17 > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:28

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You were in the right. As a fellow introvert who has trouble telling people when they are in the wrong, I am very glad you said that to her.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:30

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Yeah, it’s time to cut the cord with her. She is moocher, and will always be one until someone cuts the supply.

shop-teacher > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:35

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I totally understand where you’re coming from here, but let me just say this. Sometimes the thing that “shouldn’t” be said, is the thing that most needs to be said.

killerkoolaid37 > Nibby 12/12/2016 at 09:41

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Unfortunately she seems more than willing to help herself... to the OP’s couch and generosity.

ESSSIX GmbH - Accountant/Wagon Thumper > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:42

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Effective party planning takes skill, “friends” dont always have skills..

killerkoolaid37 > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 09:52

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When someone that “shouldn’t” be said transitions into something that needs to be said, then “shouldn’t” no longer applies. This girl seems very happy taking advantage of you and your wife’s generosity without much forethought to how her decisions affect anyone else other than herself.

The hard thing about being the nice guy (or girl) is that you open yourself up to selfish people walking all over you (fyi, guilty as charged!) The kicker is that you’re so focused on being nice that you beat yourself up when you have to have “the talk” with said person because you hate stepping on other people’s toes. One of my wife’s good friends is much the same way as your wife’s friend, very much oblivious to anyone left in her wake, so I know how you feel. Luckily we don’t have to deal with her that often anymore!

Rico > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:00

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Sometimes in life it is okay to be a jerk. You stood up for yourself, she wanted to give you a snippy, slick remark and you didn’t take it like a sucker. You don’t have to feel sorry or guilty, you have a right to be annoyed that she waited until the last minute to mail the invitations.

What is the whole thing was a colossal flop because a bunch of people got the invites too late and couldn’t make arrangements or had other plans? Imagine how devastated your wife could have been. It’s December aka the holiday season it is sometimes difficult to get people to clear up time in their busy lives/schedules during this time.

You weren’t mean, you told her straight up exactly how you felt. You have a right to have feelings as well. You could’ve easily approached her in a rude manner and TOLD her “Why did you wait until the last minute to send out the invitations?” but instead you merely SUGGESTED she send them out earlier, her response was uncalled for.

TL;DR: You don’t have to be sorry for standing up for yourself and not taking some slick ass remark like a chump.

Rico > random001 12/12/2016 at 10:01

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WOW I thought the same thing until I read your comment and scrolled back up! 93' Corolla is infinitely more useful.

XJDano > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:03

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Be the asshole you need to be. You probably don’t like it, but being walked on forever is not fun either.

When it comes time to help her out again, explain that you can’t and you need to focus on your own family.

It’s different when you are a couple and all that. Now that you will have your own child, you can’t keep taking care of adults.

Merry Christmas

BorkBorkBjork > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:05

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Given that you are about to have your first child ( congratulations!), you are in the point of your life where you need to start shuffling the friend deck. I put up with a lot of shit from some of my college friends, and I ultimately started cutting some of them loose. It sucks, but sometimes you gotta be a bit salty to let these people know that your life has changed, and you don’t have time for their shit anymore.

DipodomysDeserti > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:13

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You should be kicking yourself for trusting someone like that with planning anything. Holy shit. Don’t feel bad for telling her off though, that lady probably needs a bit more of that.

merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:14

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Sounds like her friend isn’t much of a friend at all, unless she needs something from you guys. If you can distance yourselves from her, might be a good idea to save yourselves the stress. You won’t need it when your new addition comes along... BTW, congrats! We’re on our third boy, all under 4, and they are the best thing ever. Stressful and all that, but so awesome. Remember as you’re waking up for the third time in the middle of the night, that they grow up and eventually they sleep the night and to enjoy those moments. It goes by quick. That being said, my youngest is frowning out of that phase and I’m very grateful.

Back to the “friend” do yourselves a favor and distance yourselves from her. You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your lives. And don’t feel bad for a second about your comments, if it’s truthful and folks can’t take it, then you don’t need them. You don’t need those special little snowflakes that can’t take honest criticism. So maybe your comments just kick started the break up proceedings, and with great timing. Before the new baby comes. Your wife doesn’t need any additional stress right now, she’s got enough on her plate making a new human.

My wife went through the same thing after our wedding and before her cousins wedding, this was a cousin too, but a bit distant, except for when she needed something, then she was buddy buddy. They don’t talk much anymore, but they are civil to each other. Nothing lost there. So I imagine you guys will come to a similar conclusion with your wife’s “friend”. You sound a lot like me, I can take all kinds of shit aimed in my direction and brush it off, but mess with my wife and we’ll have a problem.

You did good, don’t beat yourself up.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:20

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Don’t apologize, and don’t feel bad. And maybe work to give yourselves some distance from this person.

Cash Rewards > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:23

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I think you’re in the clear on this one. She fucked up, and when you pointed it out she could’ve apologized. Instead, she copped an attitude. That’s on her.

Also, congratulations and good luck! It can be tough, but it’s worth it. And I’m saying that with a kid napping on me because recurring ear infections and a new found allergic reaction to amoxicillin has completely wrecked my poor boy. I think I have one 4 hour sleep stint in the last 3 weeks.

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:26

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Sounds like a shit friend.

You did good.

Textured Soy Protein > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 10:50

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Sounds like the friend is worthless. Unless your wife is upset at how you handled it you have nothing to worry about.

(For frame of reference, I generally go out of my way to be kind and considerate to people, and sometimes I regret saying things that really don’t need to be worried about.)

Tazio, Count Fouroff > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 11:11

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See the pattern in these responses? (Surely you already have). Seems you work pretty hard to be agreeable and give people the benefit (me, too fwiw). I agree with everyone backing you on this. People can only walk on you if you let them, and this “friend” will keep walking for fully as long as you keep letting.

Congratulations, best wishes, and please try to let this one go without beating on yourself any more

Rico > XJDano 12/12/2016 at 11:27

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You filthy animals!

WilliamsSW > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 11:28

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You did nothing wrong.

Congratulations! We just had our first in August. It’s one of the most exciting times of your life, but it’s also very stressful, especially for your wife. She doesn’t need this crap from your “friend” adding to it, and kudos to you for sticking up for her.

If this woman didn’t have the time, she should have said so up front, not blown it off until the last minute. I have no sympathy for her.

Best of luck with the new addition! It’s crazy but it’s fantastic too!!

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 11:40

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If by problem you mean lazy, self absorbed friend, then we probably all have that problem (or have had/will have at some point). Personally, I get rid of those people pretty quickly, my wife however does not.

If by problem you being speaking honestly what’s on your mind, that’s not a problem. That, my friend, is a gift. I’m like you in that I’m fairly introverted and more often than not on the quiet side. However, when people do things that bother me or tick me off - or if I just have something to say about something/someone - I say it. I don’t filter it, and I don’t care what the outcome is or who it offends; and I never feel guilty for saying it. It is in that final regard that, while most consider me the nice guy who’s kind of quiet and introverted, they also all consider me an asshole. Which is how I like it. Huh, I guess I’m a walking, talking contradiction. Neat.

PatBateman > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/12/2016 at 11:50

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Oh yeah... Congrats on the birth of your son!

OPPOsaurus WRX > PatBateman 12/12/2016 at 11:56

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thanks, feel free to take over diaper duty tonight

PatBateman > OPPOsaurus WRX 12/12/2016 at 12:00

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Negative. I’ve been through three rounds of that. Your turn.

Sam > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 12:39

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Sounds like a real winner...

The Compromiser > mazda616 12/12/2016 at 22:27

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Seriously, fuck that guy! Unless sarcasm and tone were meant to be joking, then still fuck that guy, but with a humorous  inflection.

I would feel bad for potentially pissing in my SO’s cornflakes, regarding her friend, but the truth hurts.

dsigned001 - O.R.C. hunter > random001 12/14/2016 at 02:43

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This is the correct answer.